“THAT” Psycho Family

Five years ago today, my ex-father in law passed away. It also happens to be my ex-husbands birthday. My ex-FIL had a stroke and never woke up from it. My ex-MIL decided to take him off of life support on this day of all days. I had begged her to just wait one day, just so my ex-husband didn’t have that dark cloud hanging over him every year when he was supposed to be celebrating his birth. But honestly, that’s a story for another day.

That year, we hadn’t set our tree up yet, and then my ex-FIL had his stroke. None of us were thinking about Christmas at that point in time. My mother and cousin, Toots, had gotten to my house with my stepdaughter and Eleven (who was 6 at the time) but too late to say goodbye to my FIL. I decided to take them up to the hospital anyways so they could say goodbye. Even though they were young, I felt that it was important that they get some clousure and a chance to say goodbye to their “Man-man.” I also felt that they needed to not be afraid of death. Everyone in my family, his family and even the ICU nurses tried to talk us out of letting them see their grandfather. To this day, I am glad that I let them go in and say their goodbyes.

After we finally left the hospital, we headed home. When we got there, this tree was sitting on top of my entertainment center. “Toots,” my cousin, went out and bought this tree. More for the kids so that they could have some sense of normalcy.

That tree did so much more - It brought us hope. Hope that tomorrow would come, that life DID go on. I can’t tell you how much I needed that hope, that we needed that hope. That was the only year that we put that tree up, a year later, my ex and I were divorced, my stepdaughter was living with her father and grandmother. I could have thrown that little tree away along with the cake top from our wedding, or sent it with him to his new life. For some reason, I didn’t.

Year after year, I kept that tree with our Christmas decorations, briefly looking at it, then re-packing it back in the box. This year though, I had a change of heart. I took that tiny tree, and put it out. Not as a reminder of what was, but of what could be.

It’s been a tough year at Casa de la Psycho. Money woes, job quitting, kid issues, and so much more. 2008 can honestly kiss my ass. But I look at that beat up tree, and it gives me hope. Hope that things will be OK and that life will go on, and that no matter what, I will make it through whatever 2009 throws at me.

So when I look at that tree, I can feel a small glimmer of…
HOPE.